On Going Deeper
I don’t particularly care for the question, “How are you?” Maybe decades ago it stemmed from people having genuine concern for the state of affairs of the opposite party; however, in modern American culture, it’s evolved into standard greeting etiquette. You pass an acquaintance on the street, and just to prove there’s mutual recognition, a quick exchange ensues quite similar to the following:
Person A: “Hey! How are you?”
Person B: “Hi!! I’m good, how are you??”
Person A: “I’m good, thanks for asking! It was so good to see you!”
Person B: “Good to see you, too! Have a good one!”
Person A: “You too!”
...and several nondescript “goods” later, you both proceed on to your former tasks and agendas. Not to mention, I often experience an awkward few moments of eye contact in between “thanks for asking” and “it was good to see you,” as we’re both trying to feel out whether the other had the time or intentions of carrying the conversation on any longer. And if by chance, significant findings are made, they hardly ever stem from the “how are you” but from any conversation that may happen following that little speed bump.
This can even happen with total strangers; a well-meaning store clerk or customer offers up the first “how are you” and then there’s a quick impersonal exchange of smiles and pleasantries and maybe some commentary on the weather. Recently, I’ve been very attentive every time one of my coworkers unenthusiastically exclaims, “how’s it going” to a customer entering our door 75 feet away - what is the purpose of this? What if the next time a stranger yelled that at me from across the room, I said, “Pretty awful, thanks!” What would everyone do?
Of course, there’s the chance that I’m just approaching this conversation starter wrong, and for everyone else this leads to fast friends and conversations on the meaning of life. And certainly there is nothing wrong with politely expressing your observation that the person you’ve passed on your commute also has feelings and a life of their own, and this question is a tried-and-true, socially acceptable way of acknowledging that fact. Especially if you add “doing” at the end: “How are you doing?” Somehow it adds a whole new connotation of concern to me.
But is anyone out there ever brought up short by this question, like I am? I mean, 95% of the time the interaction is under 1 minute long, and I’m pretty sure that no matter how well that person knows me, if I responded that I felt like I was the Titanic and life was the iceberg right now, they would be a little caught off guard when they were just trying to be courteous to the cashier with smudged mascara who’s the only thing standing in the way of their beloved morning açaí bowl. Sometimes, it’s hard to separate who really wants to know and who is just being polite.
All I’m trying to say is, I think the question has been used so much, that it’s lost its meaning. You know the phrase, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out”? If “how are you” was a name, it would be threadbare.
Not only is the question threadbare, but I think the answer has always had holes in it. When you ask “how are you?”, it seems to me that it’s the equivalent of buying the jeans that come with pre-made rips or patches - you’re going into it knowing what you’re receiving is missing something (although I will acknowledge that distressed and patched jeans are very on trend and I own pairs myself, but hopefully you get what I mean). What I mean is, I feel as though when someone asks you “how are you?”, there’s some unspoken rule or pressure to respond “good.” Even if it’s a lifelong friend, because then you’re in a level of comfortability where you could actually respond with the truth, but is that really what they’re asking for the moment they see you, or should that wait until 2 hours into the hangout when all the surface level pleasantries and catch-ups have been covered?
Plus, “good” is never the whole story. Even if things are going “good”, there’s a reason for it. Did you hit a PR on your run this morning? Was your lunch just what you needed? Are you expecting an exciting package today? Why not “great”? Is it only good in comparison to the darkness you’ve been experiencing as of late?
Then there’s the whole level of saying “good” but not meaning it. Did you just experience rejection after rejection and you’re trying to put on a brave face? Are you being overwhelmed by fear of your future but you don’t want to concern this well-meaning person? Are you really not in a place to talk about how you’re feeling and are just trying to get through this little blip on the way to crying in your car?
I know personally, I’ve fallen into the second category a lot, but my troubled conscious was compounded by the fact that I hate lies. It sows such a guilt in me every time I say “I’m good” but I’m really not, because I am very upfront about the fact that honesty is one of my core values. Maybe that seems a little extreme because it seems like such a tiny white lie, but man, I’m telling you - it bugs me. So one day someone asked me how I was and I just said “Ya know - I’m doing.” And it kind of stuck. Honestly, I don’t even know what it means when I say that; like, grammatically it doesn’t make sense, but in my soul it does. Or sometimes I say, “I’m alive.” I think this response became more prevalent in quarantine. To me it says, “Hey, things could be better. I’m not exactly the happiest I’ve ever been or ‘high off life’ or twirling in meadows right now, but I feel like I should be grateful nonetheless because I’m breathing and have a roof over my head and hoping things get better and have someone like you who cared enough to ask.” I guess I could just say that, but “I’m doing” seems to have more of a ring to it.
And the cool thing about those answers is sometimes they let off the pressure for the other person to say “good” too, and we’re able to relate on the level of not each assuming the other’s life is going better than ours and you feeling obligated to keep up the facade.
“But Karis,” you say with a concerned and skeptical look on your face as you think about all the times you’ve asked me and everyone else the-question-who-shall-not-be-named, “Wouldn’t it just be easier if we were really honest when people asked us how we were?”
Well, uh, yeah. Duh? But for some people and personality types out there, we’ve become compulsive liars just in answering that question. This can be happening for a number of reasons, so I’ll leave pondering those up to you; however, I’m just suggesting that we look at all sides of the problem and approach it from a new angle.
“What would you propose we even ask people?”
Well, we can’t just pick a new normal phrase, because then the cycle of meaninglessness would just be repeated; however, I’m thinking maybe we could have some variations that make it clear to what degree of depth you’re looking to go. We could still use “How are you?” as an “on-the-surface but I see you” level, more about reaching out than expecting a response. But maybe the next tier is “What’s been on your mind the most lately?” This is open-ended, so it’s entirely up to the respondent to dive as deep as they choose, from “One Direction’s 10 year reunion” to “How my future is a bottomless pit of despair”; I’d call it a truth-or-dare level of unpredictability. Perhaps a step above that is “What do you wish people knew you were feeling?” Okay, this one seems kind of 2am sleepover level of depth, but every personality type within me (INFJ, enneagram type 4, love language quality time, etc.) points to skipping small talk, and if anyone out there is like me then they’d welcome the question. Before answering, I might ask you “Do you mean that? Like, are you serious” because I’m also a skeptic of trusting people with the vulnerabilities of my soul, but if I deem you trustworthy then we’re a-go; and I’m willing to bet this one goes from 0 to 100 real fast.
There are a plethora of questions you can ask people to really let them know you care. Live-streaming Crosspoint church’s service this morning just got me thinking when Jon Acuff said in his message, “when you ask someone what they need, you show them they’re visible and valuable...people want to know two things: That you see them right now in this moment, and that they're important.”
This being said, regardless of how you start the conversation, think about going a step farther by ending it expressing your interest in helping that person in whatever way they need. Maybe it’s a hug or advice or an act of service or a prayer, but try to even make it what would mean the most to them instead of what’s easiest for you. If we started being intentional with the questions we asked and with how we responded, I have a feeling our conversations and relationships would get a lot more meaningful.
This stuff is messy and can be awkward and imperfect, but that’s what life is - especially now. If 2020 is teaching us anything, it’s that everyone is affected by the awkward and imperfect, so let’s stop covering it up and call it out. No one is exempt from such facts of life, and relationships are made over the honest and vulnerable moments. We’ve been shown that we aren’t guaranteed the presence of people all the time or forever, so can we please stop taking it for granted and use every conversation we have to the fullest?
What do you wish someone would ask you?
Potential conversation starters (or enders or in-betweeners):
1. The customary: “How are you?”
2. Level up: “How are you doing?”
3. “What’s been on your mind the most lately?”
4. “What do you wish people knew about how you’re feeling?”
5. “On a scale of 1-10, how are you?”
This one can even be customized: “on a scale of 2007 Britney Spears to just won Olympic Gold, how are you?”
6. “What song has been stuck in your head recently?” (pretty sure a Trader Joe’s cashier asked me this, and I just was struck by how good an ice-breaker it was. I feel like this question even has the potential to strike-up more meaningful conversation with strangers than “how are you,” ya know?
7. “How is your heart?” Adrian Michael Green mentioned this one on the “What’s ‘Why’ in Your Life” episode of The Science of Happiness podcast and I loved it
8.” Tell me about your Head and your Heart” - Bob Goff
9. Get creative!
