On Seeing Each Other
Sometimes, you just need someone to tell you that they see you. They see your hopes and your dreams and your fears and your sadness and your anger and the joy behind your smile and the tears you’re holding back and everything in between, and they truly from the depths of their soul empathize. Not a quick, dismissive, surface-level response where they only vaguely understand and then change the subject to lighter affairs. That doesn’t quite do it. I mean an experience where you pour your soul out to someone, they catch all of your vulnerability in this little bucket, and instead of immediately dumping it out, they sit with it and just ponder what it is. From where within you that must be coming from. They hold that bucket so you know they’re handling your feelings with care, and they feel the warmth on the sides of the metal from your hottest of angers or shiver at the frost slowly forming from your deepest despairs. They look close enough to even see their reflection in those clear waters of your soul, and see what it looks like on them. A new version of “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.” How the ripples change who they are and give them a glimpse of what it’s like in your head. Maybe a rare few would even dare to cup their hands in that water and spread it over their face, truly immersing themselves in what you have been feeling.
This is a process. It doesn’t happen over the course of the 10 seconds it takes for people to usually provide a pacifying response after you open up to them. This could mean sitting in reflective silence for minutes at a time, but if that’s what it takes to truly connect with a person, isn’t that more than worth it? If the clock of our lifetime is continually counting down, those are the ways I would want to spend my hours.
This also takes away the need to fix other people’s problems; you just sit with them and attempt to connect on a soul level - that speaks all the words it needs to. And if in that time, something does come to mind that feels important to say or would further deepen the conversation, then you have created the most safe and welcome environment to do so.
Every one of us is capable of this. We have all experienced the full gamut of human emotion and it can be one of the most connecting forces we have because no one is exempt from possessing them. Where we go wrong is in our need to constantly eject the “negative” emotions or even just dismiss the emotions of others in favor of some devastating obsession we have with steering the conversation towards our own self-interests.
If someone opens up to you, don’t close that door in an effort to stay in the noncommittal area of the corridor. Go into that room they’re revealing and observe. Look deeper into what they’re offering and reflect on what this means about their values or their needs in this current moment of their life. It’s as if you’ve been invited into this person’s home, and they’ve unlocked a new door for you that gives you a fuller picture of what is taking up space within them to make them who they are. When you do this, you suddenly know more about what you can offer this person to improve the quality of their life and your friendship, and it only makes sense that this would lead to fuller and deeper relationships throughout our lives.
